Day 7 - The whole story
When I left on this solo adventure I figured a few things would come from it. 1. I would understand what it’s really like to be by yourself in the middle of nowhere. And what those feelings are and 2. I would probably develop some good stories.
What I did not anticipate was the emotional aftermath of Tuesday night's events. To say I’m doing good onboard the polar seal is simply not true and I came to that realization this morning.
My good friend Andy Schell mentioned to me today that most books of old from solo sailors and a common thread on emotions, and dealing with them. I’m sure my emotions would have taken over at some point in the next 2 weeks but I was not prepared for the impacts that seeing all those rafts and people would have already on day 2.
I have cried every day since that event and today it would be easier for me to count the minutes where no tears were shed.
One of my oldest friends Steven is a clinical psychologist and studies PTSD in soldiers (he is a man making a difference in this world). He sent me some stuff today on dealing with the aftermath of events like these.
They all had the common thread of talking to people, being around loved ones, expressing feelings, etc. Nowhere does it say being on a boat alone is a good place to work your shit…
The reality is this solo trip was already full of a lot of emotions, and I am an emotional guy… but being alone in an environment that’s already challenging and then having to process something traumatic on your own is becoming a bit overwhelming.
I hate to sound doom and gloom, I am afraid to sound like a failure (in all honesty). This is hard, and throwing in emotions of Tuesday is making me question the right path for me now. The best course, looking back on it would have been to turn around right after that and took stock of the things that matter. But aren’t we all smarter in hindsight…
One of the things I value with Sophie's videos is her ability to tell the entire story, well… this is the entire story, my story, right now. There have been moments of amazement on this trip, of “yes, I did that” but most of it is being eaten by something deeper.
I am a believer in karma and acts of God. My plan was not to come to Cape Verde but the weather has other plans so, by Tuesday, I will arrive and may need some time to regroup and decide the next phase of this project.
I feel sadness, disappointment, anger but I also feel joy and excitement that I did 1000 miles in the ocean on my own and helped some less fortunate people… it’s just the emotions are a bit too much at the moment.
I wish I was more positive, but this is the whole story and it’s not always easy or nice… in fact most of the time it’s hard. But I think it’s important for anyone reading the stories of adventures at sea to get the full picture. Not only the fun and the epic but also the emotions, feelings, and struggles. Because more often than not, things are not how they look on the surface.
I’ll be good to cape Verde. I have an amazing support network and I’m lucky that I even have a good friend in cape Verde, a solo sailor, and overall a good guy. I’m also lucky for all of you reading this… you are all amazing.